The how of happiness – a new approach to getting the life you want by Sonia Lyubomirsky

Sonja Lyubomirsky is a psychology professor at the University of California and the winner of the Templeton Positive Psychology Prize

Singer Bobby McFerrin released a hit song in 1988 titled “Don’t worry, be happy” which was perky and happy and spread across the globe. It seemed to have an uncanny success in lifting people’s mood and appealing to audience everywhere. The lyrics said something like “In your life expect some trouble, When you worry you make it double, don’t worry, be happy. Be happy now”.

That is a recommendation if only that were easy to achieve so the author carries us through a plan with considerable focus and effort to realize it. She gives some gems of advice and explains why they work. Just follow through with it.

These include:

Happiness is a state of mind.

Ultimately, your happiness is not conditioned by life’s external circumstances whether you realize it or not.

Some people are more disposed to happiness than others.

Anyone except for the clinically depressed, can be happy if they choose to be.

Most happy people share the same “happiness habits”

To be happy, establish new happiness habits for yourself.

Establishing such habits requires dedicated effort and hard work.

There are “happiness exercises” that can be practiced daily.

These exercises include being joyful about life, feeling grateful for what we have and always living in the moment.

Some exercises work better than others depending on people’s personalities, lifestyles and attributes.

To quote the author, “You can be happy, even if you aren’t wealthy, thin, beautiful, admired by your peers or a lottery winner”. External circumstances don’t determine true happiness. Instead, it depends on attitude towards life. If you are positive, you will be likely to be happy.

The fountain of happiness can be found in how you behave, what you think and what goals you set every day of your life.

Genes also have to do with happiness. Some people are born with “set points” who feel more satisfied than others and more content. Others just need to aim higher with more endeavor and commitment because you can’t change your genes.

Statistics show that “set points” only account for 50% of overall happiness. Another 10% is determined by life circumstances whether they are rich or poor, healthy or unhealthy, fat or thin, loved or unloved, lucky or unlucky – and individuals directly control the remaining 40%.

There is consistency to the dataset. Happy people are all alike. Every unhappy person is unhappy in his or her own way.

Sometimes it requires changing thinking or behavior and there is conscious choice involved. Happiness can be induced using basic, scientifically proven concepts and it involves a great deal of effort.

The author is candid to admit that some individuals continue to feel grossly unhappy despite their admirable efforts to follow this practice but those individuals require therapeutic intervention. For the vast majority of others, we can choose those exercises that can help us improve our mood and feel happier.

There is a saying attributed to Talmud that says, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?”

We must leverage our strengths. If we are naturally competitive, we should engage in a sport or physical activity where we can excel and feel happier and better about ourselves. If we are stressed, taking time to count our blessings may be all we need.

The author lists twelve activities of happiness:

1.       Be grateful – this is a powerful antidote to negativity and people who appreciate things feel a strong sense of satisfaction and are more optimistic.

2.       Stay optimistic – Pessimism is about viewing everything through a dark lens. Optimism is about feeling energized and being more goal oriented.

3.       Don’t overthink – if we worry constantly about problems, we will feel bad, sad and depressed. Switch to focusing on something enjoyable like movie or exercise.

4.       Be kind – Kindness is an ultimate secret where we feel good and eliminate negative feelings including guilt and emotional distress. We turbo charge a positive attitude

5.       Become social – Barbara Streisand sang a song about “people who need people” as the “luckiest people in the world”.

6.       Learn to cope – “Stress is universal” and it can arise from a number of problems but coping with stress is about focusing on solutions. Take things step by step.

7.       Forgive others – Forgive and forget is an adage that goes a long way to be happy. It only hurts to hold anger, resentment and hostility – both emotionally and physically.

8.       Seize the moment – Neither living in the past nor living in the future will matter. The present really is all that we have.  The present way to be in the present is to focus on the current activities. Don’t waste a minute.

9.       Be joyful – when we savor life and enjoy every minute, even the roses smell better. 

10.   Become goal oriented – People who strongly commit to goals commit to life. The choice of goals need to be sensible, achievable and truly fulfilling.

11.   Become spiritual – Research indicates that religious people are much happier than non-religious people. They are also in better health, cope more effectively with disease and trauma and even get a degree of above average motivation.

12.   Stay physically and mentally fit – Meditation represents the “cultivation of attention”. A period of meditation is patient, non-striving time when we let things go, detach from standard thinking and stop making customary judgements about everything. Exercise is the other aspect that makes us feel good and smile more.

One of the hard-learned lessons is that happiness is not fleeting. It increases the chances of becoming permanently happy when we follow the twelve strategies constantly.

Stay positive despite what comes at you because most disappointments are rare and there is an abundance of things to be happy about.

Pay attention to timing and variety of experience. The twelve positive actions can greatly boost the happiness but choose which portions to apply daily

Build a support system – Do not hesitate to try hard everyday to be happy. Friends, family and members can help.

Commit to goals – Swimmers cannot be great at their sport without regular practice. This is equally true for achieiving happiness.

Habits – Happiness activities must be performed habitually.  Repetition and constant practice only improves it.

Everyone’s goals should be to turn positive thinking and behavior strategies into habits. It is not appropriate to go through life being unhappy and while it requires conscious effort and strong determination, the commitment will help make one a happy person.