This is a summary of the book titled “13 things mentally strong people don’t do” by Amy Morin. The author is a licensed, clinical, social worker, college psychology instructor and psychotherapist and is dedicated to all those who strive to become better today than they were yesterday. She cuts to the chase with clear and precise instructions. Some excerpts follow in this summary:

Thoughts, behaviors and feelings are intertwined.  When used together, the “think positive” approach propels us forward otherwise they can even create a downward spiral. The points mentioned below are manifestations that are associated with people who understand this intertwining and become mentally strong. They need not appear tough or ignore their emotions, but they are resilient, more satisfied and demonstrate enhanced performance.

1.       They don’t waste time feeling sorry for themselves. Self-pity is the classic symptom of the weak and to gain strength, they must avoid this self-destructive behavior by behaving in a manner that makes it hard to feel sorry for themselves. One way to do this is to exchange self-pity for gratitude. The more they journal their gratitude, the stronger they become.

2.       They don’t give away their power.  There is always a buffer between the stimulus and their response. They do not let others offend them, turn them or trigger a knee-jerk reaction. Retaining their power is about being confident about who they are and the choices they make. Identifying the people who have taken their power and reframing their language helps them in this regard.

3.       They don’t shy away from change. Managing change can be daunting but the successful create a success plan for the change. They behave like the person they want to become. Balancing emotions and rational thoughts help make it easier.

4.       They don’t focus on things they can’t control. They develop a balanced sense of control. They identify their fears. They focus on what they can do which includes influencing people even without controlling them. Insisting on doing everything by themselves goes against their practice.

5.       They don’t worry about pleasing everyone. They identify their values and behave accordingly. They make a note of who they want to please, and it does not include everybody. They practice tolerating uncomfortable emotions.

6.       They don’t fear taking calculated risks. They are aware of the emotional reactions to risk taking and they identify the types of risks that are particularly challenging. They analyze risks before they decide. They also monitor the results so they can learn from each risk.

7.       They don’t dwell on the past. They reflect on the past just enough to learn from it. They move forward even if it is painful. Working through the grief lets them focus on the present and plan. They also find ways to make peace with the past, but they never pretend that it did not happen. They don’t try to undo the past or make up for past mistakes.

8.       They don’t make the same mistakes repeatedly. They acknowledge their personal responsibility for each mistake and even create a written plan to avoid repeating it. They identify the triggers and the warning signs for old behavior patterns and practice self-discipline strategies. They never make excuses or respond impulsively. They never put themselves in situations where they are likely to fail. Resisting temptation is one way to avoid repeating mistakes.

9.       They don’t resent other people’s success. They replace negative thoughts that breed resentment. They celebrate accomplishments, focus on strengths and co-operate rather than compete with everyone. They do not compare themselves to everyone around them or treat them as direct competition.

10.   They don’t give up after the first failure. They view failure as a learning opportunity, and they resolve to try again.  They identify and replace irrational thoughts and they focus on improving their skill rather than showing them off. They do not quit or assume that future attempts will be the same as the past.

11.   They don’t fear alone time. They learn how to appreciate silence and to be alone with their thoughts. They schedule a date with themselves at least once a month and practice mindfulness and meditation regularly. They do not indulge in beliefs that limit them and they do not always keep background noise on.

12.   They don’t feel the world owes them anything. They develop healthy amounts of self-esteem, and they recognize areas of life where they believe they are superior. They focus on what they must give rather than what they must take. They think about other people’s feelings. They are certainly not selfish or egoist.

13.   They don’t expect immediate results. Instead, they create realistic expectations, find accurate ways to measure progress, and celebrate milestones along the way. They don’t limit themselves to believing that if it is not working for them now, they are not making progress. They don’t look for shortcuts.

And finally, a conclusion on maintaining mental strength. This is a continuous process where they monitor their behavior, regulate their emotions and think about their thoughts.