This is a summary of the book titled “Nonviolent or Compassionate Communication – a language of life” written by Marshall P. Rosenberg and published by the Puddledancer press in 2003. The author explains how to express needs and feelings in ways that promote respectful empathic interpersonal communications. This is not about conflict resolution alone but about compassionate communication. It provides a framework about human needs and emotions and ultimately leads to clearer communication, mindfulness, relationships, and personal growth. Imperfect communication causes misunderstandings and frustrations. NVC is based on the language “from the heart”. It has four components: observations, feelings, needs and requests. We can practice it first by observing without judgement or evaluation.  We express our needs without associating our feelings which can easily be manipulated by environmental factors. Too often, we blame those external factors for our feelings, but we begin to prioritize our needs and by ourselves first before others. When we express requests, we can include both needs and feelings but not demands. Checking whether the message our requests sank in is good practice. Applying NVC practices can help in dealing with emotions and resolving conflicts. Simple substitutions of “I choose to” instead of “I have to” helps in this regard.

Nonviolent Communication (NVC) is a method of communication that promotes interpersonal connection and empathy. It consists of four components: observations, feelings, needs, and requests. NVC is applied by observing what is happening, sharing how it makes us feel and what we need, and asking for specific actions. NVC can be applied to personal relationships, family, business, and societal conflicts.

Observation should be specific to a time and context, and evaluation should be specific to the behavior observed. Identifying and expressing feelings is crucial, but people may not always support it. It can be improved by distinguishing between emotions and thoughts, and focusing on what is enriching or not enriching our life.

Feelings result from how we receive others' actions and statements, which is a choice made in combination with our needs and expectations. If someone says something negative to us, we have four response options: blaming ourselves, blaming others, paying attention to what we feel and need, or paying attention to what others feel and need. This helps us become aware of what's happening, what people are feeling, and why.

Identifying needs is crucial for emotional liberation, as it helps individuals recognize their physical, spiritual, autonomy, and interdependence needs. This process involves three stages: emotional slavery, where one feels responsible for others' feelings, the obnoxious stage, where one rejects responsibility, and the third stage, emotional liberation, where one takes responsibility for their actions.

NVC's fourth component is requesting, which involves asking others for things that would enrich one's life. Active language is used when making requests, and specific, positive actions are requested. Emphasizing empathy and asking listeners to reflect back on their responses can make requests seem less like demands. It is important to present requests as requests rather than demands, as people may view those who make a demand as criticizing or making them feel guilty. The goal is to build a relationship based on honesty and empathy, rather than presenting a demand.

NVC principles emphasize self-expression and empathy in interactions with others. Listening with our whole being, letting go of preconceptions, and focusing on what people feel and need is crucial. Empathy can be achieved by paraphrasing what we think we've heard, correcting our understanding if we're wrong, and empathizing when someone stays silent. NVC can help develop compassion for oneself, helping to grow rather than reinforcing self-hatred. It helps connect with feelings or needs arising from past actions, allowing for self-forgiveness.

NVC also helps in expressing anger by separating the link between others and their actions. Instead of blaming others, we look inside ourselves to identify unmet needs. Making requests in clear, positive, concrete action language reveals what we really want. When angry, we choose to stop and take a breath, identify judgments, and express our feelings and needs. To get someone to listen, we need to listen to them.

NVC-style conflict resolution focuses on establishing a connection between parties, allowing productive communication and understanding of each other's perspectives. It emphasizes listening to needs, providing empathy, and proposing strategies. Mediation should not be solely intellectual, but also involve playing different roles and avoiding punishment. It helps individuals recognize their feelings and needs and avoid repeating negative judgments. NVC also encourages expressing appreciation without unconscious judgment, avoiding negative compliments that can alienate. Instead, it encourages celebrating actions that enhance well-being and identifying the needs fulfilled by others. This approach helps to move people out of fixed positions and promotes a more positive and productive resolution.